Rainy cold night, cozy quiet apartment— radiators hissing steam. Bustly happy day. Some joyousness surrounds me and I feel wonderful. The city grows dim with winter. Grey solemnity halos the skyscrapers. I have never been happier— healthier— and perhaps, lonelier. My loneliness is an abstract awareness that never leaves me. This celibacy— physical and mental— does not feel healthy. Tonight I called my Aunt Betty. It was a dumb thing to do. We have nothing to talk about— we really don’t even know each other. It was my family I longed for. I need to be held. I need to feel loved. I am aware of my needs— and I am also aware of my inability to solve them. I am not writing this script anymore— and I must have faith that this scene is exactly as it should be. Laredo 8 months sober— starting to get his life back together— self-esteem beginning to emerge. A fragile delicate time. Quiet happy days strung together. When the time comes for our hero to fall in love— my higher power will write the scene infinitely better than I.
November 17th, 1981
November 17th, 1981
November 17th, 1981
Rainy cold night, cozy quiet apartment— radiators hissing steam. Bustly happy day. Some joyousness surrounds me and I feel wonderful. The city grows dim with winter. Grey solemnity halos the skyscrapers. I have never been happier— healthier— and perhaps, lonelier. My loneliness is an abstract awareness that never leaves me. This celibacy— physical and mental— does not feel healthy. Tonight I called my Aunt Betty. It was a dumb thing to do. We have nothing to talk about— we really don’t even know each other. It was my family I longed for. I need to be held. I need to feel loved. I am aware of my needs— and I am also aware of my inability to solve them. I am not writing this script anymore— and I must have faith that this scene is exactly as it should be. Laredo 8 months sober— starting to get his life back together— self-esteem beginning to emerge. A fragile delicate time. Quiet happy days strung together. When the time comes for our hero to fall in love— my higher power will write the scene infinitely better than I.