October 10th, 1981
I have 3, possibly 4, more days of intense activity at work. I have no vitality or enthusiasm left— and I feel so frustrated at having the work become so totally out of control. I cannot “blame” the company for this. I am the manager of my department. It is my responsibility to be organized and ready to produce the material within specified deadlines. I have not been shrewd enough to pull this off. I was hired as a manager and an organizer. And I am learning my lessons the hard way. Rather than indulge myself in self-recrimination at my “failure”— I must use this realization that has emerged from this horrible deluge of work to re-group and re-direct my activities in the immediate future. It’s just self-defeating to wallow in my exhaustion. The situation demands action on my behalf.
I must also remain constantly aware of the fact that my life is in the care of a Higher Power. I am an empty vessel, receptive to the daily filling-up of the will of this Power. This force is all good— all loving— and my cooperation will focus my experience of self-hood and life in this place in light and love and peace. I must daily rid myself of notions of self-hood and identity— and quietly, humbly allow the Power to flow through my days.
Saturday night: drink signals scream through my night streets like cop cars. I want to feel the euphoria of speed shooting through my veins; cold beer and a loud jukebox.
I sit at the kitchen counter and drink coffee and watch the clock tick toward 8:00. I’m going to a meeting tonight.
As I leave for the meeting, Allan comes home drunk and bleary-eyed with some middle-aged Hispanic. I see precisely how I do not want my life to be anymore. I am grateful to be sober.