October 20th, 1981
I feel like something is about to happen to me. I feel like I am about to experience a total physical and emotional break down. I am going to go to pieces. Nervous exhaustion. I fantasize of collapsing in the subway and thereby allowing myself to become hospitalized. I long to simply lie down on the sidewalk and close my eyes and wait for someone to call an ambulance. To give up entirely. My job continues to be a daily nightmare of overwork and unrelenting deadline pressures. By now I perceive myself as a total failure at managing the situation. I give up. I quit. Stop. Having an assistant has provided zero relief for me now— he has a minimal background in typesetting and I’ve had practically no time to train him thoroughly on the equipment. I keep promising myself that soon— any day now— I am going to take a couple of days off and get myself back together. And every day more work flows in and it becomes more impossible.
I try to think that if I could just get a hold on a different attitude— that I could hold on. I need to get a little fight in my act. I remember at JWT in Washington, I overcame my fear of not being able to do the job with a “you watch me!” attitude. My fatigue prevents me from summoning any such feisty attitudes to my aid. I am simply tired. Burnt out. And I loath and despise this job.
So why don’t you just quit? Right now. Call tomorrow and say shove it…
I don’t quit because— I have to support myself. It would be hard to find another job that pays as well— and any job in graphic production s going to be more of the same shit. I want to change what I do for a living. That much has become crystal clear to me in the past few months. I simply don’t have a clue as to what I’ll do next.
Ok: This is a horrible situation that I am powerless over which has become totally unmanageable.
I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. How I am supporting myself is totally insane. God can restore sanity to that situation.
I will turn my life and my will over to the care of my Higher Power
At 10:49 PM Larry Waite knelt on his living room floor and allowed the power of God to glow into his life— to restore sanity to his method of supporting himself.
