So it always comes back to this. The huge internal difference between my initiative self and my responsive self. Between “being in control” and “feeling.” And, I think because I cannot reconcile the two, I find myself being either extremely one or the other. Why can I not balance it? I love rushes. I love to feel– strongly. So I smoke until I’m OD’d on cigarettes. I drink until I’m blind. I do poppers until I’m ready to pass out.
February 10th, 1977
February 10th, 1977
February 10th, 1977
So it always comes back to this. The huge internal difference between my initiative self and my responsive self. Between “being in control” and “feeling.” And, I think because I cannot reconcile the two, I find myself being either extremely one or the other. Why can I not balance it? I love rushes. I love to feel– strongly. So I smoke until I’m OD’d on cigarettes. I drink until I’m blind. I do poppers until I’m ready to pass out.